April 2011
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Two SVU detectives came to the door
While this is downright routine for me at this point, it’s still pretty unnerving to have detectives show up at 8pm. What if I was drunk? I don’t have Jacket anymore… Instead, I was just hungry staring at my Thai take-out get cold while being interviewed.
I asked “Are you here about the OSI allegations from last week?” and they said yes. I answered their benign...
March 2011
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“i wanted to push klonipin through the computer into your mouth.”
– my friend also named Rebecca giving me my first “laugh out loud” of the day
grapefruit drop again
The neighbor let’s his puppy out to run in the back yard and Jacket would always go NUTS. We’d open the window and she’d yell
“Hey Puppy, HEELLLLOO, over HERE puppy, LOOK AT ME- LOOK AT ME PUPPY. Now, go do ca-ca!”
Just now I saw the puppy and I shouted out half of Jacket’s name before stopping myself. Uuuggggghhhhhh, I think these things are going to...
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3rd morning without Jacket
I know Jacket’s really asking for me now and I’m worried that it’s going to agitate her mom. I got to say goodnight to her on the phone again yesterday. This time she said “Night night a-ba-ka (Rebecca), I love you.”. It was very cute. I’m glad she didn’t ask where I was.
Originally, her mom said that she wanted to meet at the agency last night to...
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Wow, anxiety has set in which feels a lot worse than the sadness.
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Packing
Yesterday I thought it was important for me to go to work and be forced to think about other things (a post about my coping strategies through this is to come). Today, I’m home packing up Jacket’s stuff.
No doubt I’ll cringe in a few months at how melodramatic my forth coming posts are about to be. But I think in the end I’ll feel better. I want to photograph her room...
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Got to say night-night to Jacket
About three months ago, when I was required to give Jacket’s mom my phone number for Sunday visits, I set-up daily phone calls between Jacket and her mom. I told her she could call anytime between 7am-8am and 7pm-8pm.
At first, Jacket’s mom was calling a dozen times throughout the day but I just stuck to only answering the phone, or only calling her back, between those hours. ...
Without thinking I got off at the train stop for Jacket’s daycare after work. I don’t think I’ve ever taken the subway straight home to my Brooklyn apartment before.
Oh my gosh, with everything going on I forgot to tell Jacket’s daycare that she is gone.
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I’m surviving. I’m sure Jacket is surviving. I have a lot still to tell about this last week but I’m going to try and make it in to work today.
I am speechless about the outpouring of your Internet hearts. I have no idea where you all came from. One day I will be able to tell Jacket that 77,445 people (according to statcounter) shared in the experience of reunification with her mom yesterday.
She’s gone.
Jacket: Mom, wake-up.
Me: I am awake.
No, wake-up your eyes.
Uuuugh, ok they're open.
Now wake-up your head.
I'm going to miss all of your silly phrases.
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4 hours until the hardest 24 hours of my life
I pick-up Jacket at 4pm. My friend, A___, who happens to be at psychologist at one of the city’s best foster agencies, is coming with me. I’m looking forward to her meeting Jacket’s Mom, if only for some validation of my reality that she’s totally crazy.
I don’t have a time yet as to when Jacket will be returned permanently to her mother. I was told tomorrow, but...
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Last night I called Jacket’s Mom between 7-8pm and declared with unwarranted normalcy “Hi, how are you? I’m just calling to say goodnight to Jacket.”. I was shocked that she answered the phone after her outburst Friday night.
Jacket’s Mom asked me if there was more stuff (toys and clothes). I had no idea if she thought that I had sent too little or if she was worried that I will be sending too...
Sent out the birthday party cancelation email
Over 50 people had already RSVPed.
Now I’m wondering, should I take Jacket to her daycare to say goodbye? Or not worry about it?
Reigning in the crazy train
So Brian just said (paraphrasing here) “So you plan on stuffing a bunch of little foreign language notes in her toys? It sounds like a bad horror film. Did you see the responses on your blog yet? Everyone’s like, we understand what you’re going through, but that’s a bad idea. You’re starting to sound like someone who ate a bunch of mushrooms and then got on the...
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A way you could help?
I appreciate everyone’s offer to help in some way. I think I came up with something.
My friend Deepa is here and as we pack up her stuff I’m crying and saying that I wish there was a way I could leave little notes for her in all of her stuff. I know though that her mom would find them and they’d be tossed.
Then I thought about hiding the notes in her toys. Sewing pictures of...
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I just woke up and wondered how is it that the sun is up but Jacket isn’t in my bed yet.
Then that sinking stomach thing happened that feels like you accidentally swallowed a grapefruit whole and now a bazillion worms are going to crawl out and eat up all of your insides.
I know she’s asking for me now. She got the concept that she was going to sleep at Mommy B____’s house,...
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Thank you for all of your kind wishes. I can’t believe today is my last full day with Jacket. I can’t stop crying.
I can’t believe there’s no transition. I know she’ll survive and so will I, but it just seems so wrong.
I keep thinking about her crying for me at night.
How fucked up is it that there is a child in my...
This blog is about to get really fucking sad…so if you struggle with depression, you may want to stop reading for a while.
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Investigator at my door when we came home
OSI investigator is here already, talking to Jacket in her room. I was sobbing when I found her at my door.
Moments prior I was told that Jacket will go home next week. Her first overnight/ weekend is in 24 hours.
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And a pinch of salt for good luck
The case worker just texted me that someone, guess who, called in child abuse allegations against me (an OSI).
When I asked what I was accused of, She texted “U slapped Jacket pulled her hair and coat. U smoke week and cocaine. All in front of agency.”
Soon it will all be over…
Frenzy
Everyone is frantic trying to work out the exact stipulations and timeline of when and how Jacket will be returned. I just wrote this email to the attorneys titled “Last Two Requests”:
Could it be stipulated that just one play therapy session has to happen (I’ll make us available for any appointment time) before Jacket goes back to her Mom? I think it would be instrumental for a...
Case Worker (and supervisor) Gets Charged With... →
Contrary to what you might expect, I actually feel really sorry for these case workers. I’ve been under similar pressure (although never by someone with a license) to change my progress notes and the like. No doubt the problem was systemic. Not to mention, I’m sure they don’t have the educational background and training that I think is necessary for such a consequential job.
...
Before putting Jacket to bed I really talked up how fun it would be to sleep at Mommy B_______’s house. “I heard she has a Dora bed for you!”.
Jacket wasn’t convinced.
Oh my god- this is all so intense. Now they’ve made an extension until after her birthday party. So basically, they threw me a bone. Which is more upsetting because it needs to be about what would be best for Jacket. Not me, or her mom.
I’m at the agency and I’ve been told that things have been agreed upon outside of court (I’m avoiding the legalize on purpose) and that Jacket will go home on Tuesday. No over nights, no weekends, no services, no discharge meeting, just back to her Mom.
One of you commented that if Jacket is sent back to her mother this week you’d be happy to join me in some pony-admiring, alcohol-inspired festivities. And I think that’s brilliant.
Party planning is my top coping mechanism so the event will go on and each and everyone of you will be invited!
P.S. I’ll be looking for the next person to bequeath the fosterhood blog to.
Recent incident of foster mom's boyfriend beating... →
Makes me think of the campaign (http://www.nyc.gov/html/acs/html/child_safety/care_giver_campaign.shtml)
ACS just ran last summer. The posters are still all over my foster agency lobby.
