Allow me to be this week’s example of what all that boundary stuff is that you hear clinicians harp about

For the first time in over a year I don’t have a working phone number for Jacket’s mom. Remember this? It was a post about how I wanted to push back and tell Jacket’s mom that I was coming to HER house and I want HER to take out the toys that I want and have lunch ready for ME. Well, I did it.

Needless to say, it was a bad move. One that was emotional and reactionary, a result of poor boundaries- just like the textbook says. I lost my focus. The goal is to keep access to Jacket open, NOT to teach Jacket’s mom a lesson. Jacket’s mom isn’t going to learn a lesson. I forgot that good boundaries are for me, my sanity and for sustainability.

What I wish I would have said was “Eh, I already made plans, let’s try next week.” Instead, like an idiot, I engaged in ridiculous text message exchanges whereby Jacket’s mom told me that I couldn’t come over because she was suddenly in New Jersey. I responded, “That’s okay. Just go to your house instead of mine in the morning and I’ll meet you there.”

I cornered her. Now, even though she told the detective that she’s not moving to Florida, she insisted that she was- in two days. The next morning I decided against spending 3 hours on the train (or $50 in a cab ride) to stand outside her apartment and call only to have her not answer. Fuck that. She sent “Where are you” text messages even though she was simultaneously claiming to be in New Jersey.

Eventually, after seeing Jacket cry hysterically part for me and part as a result of her mom changing plans and telling Jacket that she’s moving a million different places, I sent “Give me a call when you’re life is stable. One day you’re moving to Florida, the next you say you’ve actually moved to the Bronx. I’m really confused and Jacket is probably confused too.” It pissed her off. As a friend pointed out, she doesn’t know what stability is. Poor lady. In truth, she’s probably giving Jacket a much more stable childhood than she had.

So, more crazy-ass lies… “Jacket just started school”, she has “a big house in Florida”, etc etc. Part of the reason why I probably took the risk and acted out a bit is because I was under the impression that, without question, Jacket’s mom’s ACS case would stay open for at least another month. That went out the window. Even though Jacket’s mom doesn’t do drugs, she’s grown-up surrounded by people on crack and she’s absorbed the ‘crack-head’ behavior which is SO EFFECTIVE. She calls, and texts and screams and threatens and puts everyone on high terror alert until they are desperate to get rid of her and she gets (temporarily) what she wants. It works. It’s how she gets by in life, on all fronts. It’s mesmerizing.

Now I have to sit it out for a few weeks and she’ll save face by telling me they moved to Florida and such and such happened and now she’s back. I know I sound like a broken record but thank God for the detective…she’s already confirmed that they haven’t (and surely won’t) move.