**New to my blog? You may want to start here**
-About me (if you must)
-Timeline
-Frequently Asked Questions
-A Typical Day
-The Sleep Report
-You're Evil If You Don't Co-Sleep
-"But Don't You Get Attached?"
-The Major Players
-How can Snap's Mom take him to rehab?
-Letter to Snap's Law Guardian
-Typical Snap Rehab Visit
-Visits SUCK
-Letter to Eaglet
-"White Babies"
-What's an ok motivation to foster?
Links
Become a Foster Care Parent in NYC
Fosterhood Forum (connect with others)
Other Fosterhoods
NYS Citizens’ Coalition for Children
New York Times series on Foster Care
Become a Court Appointed Advocate
National Foster Care Coalition
Evan B. Donaldson Adoption Institute (Best Research Site)
CFSR (the answer to all your questions)
"Crack Babies"- article by NYTimes
Theme by nostrich.
36 notes
I’m Down with down
Thanks for all the nice words, I was sort of surprised by the response. I like the idea of mixing it up in this blog but for people who are just looking for foster care info I don’t want them to have to dig through a bunch of irrelevant stuff…
I’ve been daydreaming and talking a lot to coworkers about adopting an child with Down Syndrome. Of all of the types of special needs out there, Down Syndrome just makes sense to me and my lifestyle.
Numero uno for me is mobility. Even so much as having a limp makes moving around NYC really challenging. Most folks with Down Syndrome have good gross motor skills and the other deficits I can work with. Check out this website I found…
I’m already plugged into all of the resources (my job has an elementary school she could go to), and in a weird way I think I would be less neurotic about my child’s education knowing that the cognitive limits are innate. My focus would just to make sure she was happy and as independent as possible. If I want to take her out of school for 2 years while we travel to Africa? Sure, why not.
Fun fact, every single person with Down Syndrome that I know (about 100?) is bilingual. Anyway, that’s what’s on my mind right now.
6 notes
Voicemail from foster agency homefinding
I called back but the worker is probably gone for the day. Could be a baby, could be something about my re-certification paperwork (due next month). I have no idea. I won’t let my mind start spinning.
37 notes
things to do before possibly adopting a baby
1. DENTIST
2. Buy another crib (gave mine to Jacket’s mom- long story)
3. Do my hand-washing from this summer
4. Finish Jacket’s Lifebook
47 notes
Interesting twist
My wonderful, lovely roommate is going to have to move to a cheaper place given her job situation. I’ll be sad to see her go, but I think I already have a replacement. The nurse at work is my age and just became a ‘single mother by choice’. Her daughter was born last month and she lives with two other roommates. The roommates are cool about it but it might be a different story in a year or so… See the potential?
I emailed her, shared my adoption plan (which will only be real to me when there’s a baby in arms and a new birth certificate in my hands), and asked if she wants to move in. She responded that she’s totally game. I’m surprised and excited. We’re both going to mull over it this week and get together on Friday to discuss details.
The potential for the added help and support is incredibly exciting. Oh, and I met her mom who was down from Maine for the baby’s birth and she later called me “such a doll”. Grandparent approval is a plus!
37 notes
Baby Girl Names (!)
Here are some names that I really like but will not be using:
1. Dorothy 2. Marigold “Goldie” 3. Loretta 4. Matilda 5. Louise 6. Julia 7. Reese 8. June 9. Alice 10. Maple
I’ve already chosen a traditional European/American (aka ‘White’) name and now I’m working on a traditional African or African-American name. I’d like one that is 2 syllables or less and which everyone will know how to pronounce (e.g. Uma, Isha). Check out this website:
http://www.blackbabynames.org/index.html
I’m partial to names that start with the letters B, C, D, K, L, M, R, S, and V - for whatever reason…
Suggestions?
32 notes
The baby was already placed
To be honest, I breathed a big sigh of relief. It’s definitely what I want, but it’s soooo scary. Figuring out daycare, finances, my mental health under the conditions of sleep deprivation and infant screams. And of course, the pressure to continue dating.
Foster care was such a good experience to show me that I CAN do it. The beginning will be the most difficult, especially not having 9 months to plan. This time I think I’m going to take maternity leave (Federal Medical Leave Act - FMLA- actually stipulates that a leave can be taken for foster children and of course adoption)- but the routine of going to work has always been key to my sanity. Yet not sleeping at night and trying to go to work makes me delirious.
Then there’s the whole wrench in my dating life. But what if I’m 40 and I still haven’t found someone? I would then totally regret passing up this opportunity to adopt. I don’t want to wait a few more years because then I will feel as if my back is up against the wall and more years will be wasted, and thousands of dollars that I don’t have will be spent in desperation to adopt. I want to be a young(er) mom.
My plan- I have two very close friends who are on maternity leave and they are both open to me coming over to their house with the baby and freaking out all day. I will force myself out of the house and over to their home every single day if I need to in order to keep my sanity. They understand the mind fuck of a baby that requires feedings every two hours. And in remembering Snap and Eaglet, I understand their struggles as well.
Any advice on how to handle those first few months without losing my mind?
79 notes
my big-time flip-flop
Yesterday I was going to post about a conversation I had with Brian (still just friends- no need to ask), in which he wondered out-loud about when I’m going to move on. Something about if a baby, or my own child, is what I want then I should go for it. My post was going to be about how I realize that it’s not about “a” baby and Jacket doesn’t have to “belong” to me- I’m in love with her and staying in her life is the most satisfying thing I’ve ever done. Maybe I won’t ever have/adopt children, and for the first time I could envision being really happy and childless.
Then the agency called me about a baby. I ignored it. This new homefinding woman who called me is the same one who has called me about some other babies recently. Finally, I called her back and
THE CRAZIEST WORDS CAME OUT OF MY MOUTH-
“I really only want to adopt.” Perhaps I thought that by expressing the cardinal sin of fostering- wanting to keep a child forever— that it would put the kabosh on all of this. Instead the homefinder said “Oh, the 12 day old baby from yesterday was for adoption.” And then I said “No, I mean really for adoption. Not any of this Babies-Can’t-Wait stuff. I mean a child where four previous siblings were adopted”. And she said “Oh, I had one of those this morning, but I already placed the child. I’ve been getting a lot of legally freed babies recently.” And then, sounding like an asshole, I said “Well, I really want a girl. And a little color is a plus, too. You don’t have to save me for the white babies.” And she said “I didn’t even think to do that. All of the children recently have been Africa-American.”
She said she’d probably be in touch soon.
Holy Guacamole.
30 notes
allow me an adoptee moment…
While I’m thinking about language and political correctness (i.e. “ghetto”), I want to harp on the term “surrendering” or “surrendered” for adoption.
Surrendering is an awful word selection for so many reasons. It suggests weakness, failure, a fight, or a war even which perpetuates an us-versus-them mentality against the system. I understand how the phrase I was raised with, “gave up” and “given up” for adoption, fell out of favor. However, I’m not aware of it ever bothering me.
Why not just say that a birth parent “chose adoption” for their child? A la “I choose adoption” as the best future for my child.
21 notes
the closest i’ll ever feel to being a baby daddy
Jacket called me on the ipad yesterday and screamed “Hello Ah-BA-ka!” again and again and again. She told me a story that I couldn’t hear or understand but fortunately a bunch of “Wow!”, “Really?” and “Tell me more!” exclamations from my end left her satisfied. When she asked me to read her a book she must have put the ipad on the ground because I saw a circle of five toddler heads bobbing up and down. She kept shouting at her cousins “No, it’s MY Ah-BA-ka!” which I have to admit, I loved.
After Jacket hung-up, I text on the ipad to her mom that I’ve been trying to call her. She got on the ipad straight away and told me that she doesn’t have any minutes on her phone. I told her straight away that I can’t take her sister’s baby. The straight away conversation was totally insane but I stuck by my guns. “Why?! It’s YOUR baby. She told you, it’s not hers it’s YOURS!” And I kept repeated “I just can’t take her baby. I can’t do it right now. I don’t want you to be mad at me.” We went round and round like this for about 5 minutes and then she told me I would have to tell her sister- who was lying on the bed, smoking and yelling at someone in her cell phone. The ipad froze. I took it as a sign and logged-off. Jacket’s mom can tell her sister. If she still has questions I can talk to her today or tomorrow.
26 notes
Uhm, still need to tell her I can’t take her baby
Jacket just called and her first words were “Wead me a book ah-BA-ka” which is the most amazing thing to hear. She was eating scrambled eggs and drinking a Hi-C in the kitchen. She requested Bounce and then Hop on Pop. The reception is terrible between our Skype connections but it works out because she has the words memorized and screams them to me when I hold up the pictures.
I made faces at Jacket and she made faces back at me. We winked, the left eye, then the right. We sang “Head, Shoulders Knees and Toes” at which point she disappeared, presumably to touch her toes. I counted seven other kids in the background, I think they’re all Jacket’s cousins. And then Jacket hung-up.
17 notes
Got her voicemail.
Uuuuuuugh. I was so ready. My roommate and I did a full fucking pep rally…
“I’m going to lock-down the crazy.”
“You’re going to lock-down the crazy.”
“No matter what she says, I’ll say I can’t take the baby.”
“You canNOT take her baby You can do this.”
“I can do this. Can I sit in your room when I call?”
“Hell no. I can’t take it. She’s so crazy.”
“Yeah, she’s so-“
“You can do it!!”
“I can do it! I can’t take the baby, sorry!”
“Yes!”
“Yes!”
“I’m going to lock-down the crazy.”
“LOCK IT!”
“It’s locked! Safety deposit box style!”
“What?”
“Nevermind. I’m going to do it!”
15 notes
asked again to take Jacket’s cousins
I was informally asked again if I would be willing to take Jacket’s cousins. This is the third foster family that I know of who is giving them back. The sibling set came into care after Jacket did. You might remember that the three children had to be split up. The baby is being adopted and it sounds like I could adopt the 2-year old and 3-year-old if I want to. These two have a bond and the agency wants them adopted together.
For a dozen different reasons, my answer was again no thank you. Two weeks ago Jacket’s mom told me that her sister, the mother of these three children is pregnant again. I told one of the case workers this, and was then asked if I was interested in adopting that child when he/she is born (assuming the mother continues not to ‘plan’).
Even if I was interested in adopting right now, it would be so strange to have one of Jacket’s cousins. It would feel as though I was cheating on her, even if I know in my head that that wouldn’t be the case.
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