**New to my blog? You may want to start here**
-About me (if you must)
-Timeline
-Frequently Asked Questions
-A Typical Day
-The Sleep Report
-You're Evil If You Don't Co-Sleep
-"But Don't You Get Attached?"
-The Major Players
-How can Snap's Mom take him to rehab?
-Letter to Snap's Law Guardian
-Typical Snap Rehab Visit
-Visits SUCK
-Letter to Eaglet
-"White Babies"
-What's an ok motivation to foster?
Links
Become a Foster Care Parent in NYC
Fosterhood Forum (connect with others)
Other Fosterhoods
NYS Citizens’ Coalition for Children
New York Times series on Foster Care
Become a Court Appointed Advocate
National Foster Care Coalition
Evan B. Donaldson Adoption Institute (Best Research Site)
CFSR (the answer to all your questions)
"Crack Babies"- article by NYTimes
Theme by nostrich.
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One of my pre-fosterhood fantasies was that a child would connect me more to my community. This was most definitely the case. It’s been two years now since I found Antoinette and Elia who babysat for both Eaglet and Jacket. They saw me at my worst and best. They met the rounds of guys I dated. They know that I always leave wet towels on the floor. They witnessed crushed Cheerios being left under the dining room table for weeks (and then quietly cleaned it up while I was out). They never judged. They were willing to be paid below the poverty line. They are simply awesome blossoms (ha ha, I know that you girls just cringed reading that). Awesome Blossom Possums. That’s right. Sweet little flowers animals that need to hurry up and decide on a spirit animal to make your hippy, homeopathic mom proud.
So, today Antoinette, Elia and their mom and dad took me to lunch (hence, I know their mom wants them to have spirit animals). Antoinette is in town from her fancy White House job and I learned all about “wranglers” working “movements” and being in “foxholes” or “the foxhole”, whatever it is.
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Link to my Australian Radio National Interview
At one point in the show Richard said “Coming up, the woman who fostered New York style”… so much could be read into that :).
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WHERE THE HELL IS SNAP?!
I was just thinking, all three of my foster kids are still in foster care. How is it that I wasn’t able to prevent them from being bounced around? How is it that I’ve already failed at my goal of being just one child’s “permanent foster home”?
I understand that there are many reasons why a child can’t be returned to the same foster home, but are they ever?? And why not at least to the same agency? What’s the problem?
(How many foster agencies are there in New York City? I’m guessing around 30?)
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Here are some photos of Elia, Antionette and their parents taking Jacket out. They are such an AMAZING family and Jacket and I are both really fortunate to have them in our lives!
Antoinette began babysitting Eaglet and soon after Elia did as well. Antoinette went off to law school (and is now interning at the White House) and Elia began babysitting Jacket full-time until I found her a daycare. Was it just a coincidence that when I moved to Brooklyn I chose an apartment 2 blocks away from Elia…? I’ll never know!
(there are so many more great photos but Jacket’s face is in them all)
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My fosterhood rubric
I find myself measuring my success at parenting Jacket by the healthiness of her hair. As it grows long and strong, I feel pretty dang proud. Yesterday however, I felt like a total failure because I had to cut a huge chunk of matted mess out. It was completely my fault, I skipped a night of conditioner. I didn’t think it would matter but apparently it was enough to create a monster dreadlock.
The hair clump felt like a wad of bubble gum. It has been difficult to comb-out parts of her hair before but nothing like this. I went to all of the ‘untangle matted hair’ websites and tried all of the remedies to no avail. Even now with the piece cut out and sitting on the table it’s still impossible to pull any strands of hair out.
Last night I showed the swatch of hair to Teasha, the babysitter, like a guilty puppy brings over a chewed-up shoe. She reassured me that it just happens sometimes and that the gaping hole in the back of Jacket’s hair will go completely unnoticed.
In thinking about how much i scrutinize my capacity as a foster parent through the outcome of Jacket’s hair, I can see that I did the same with Eaglet’s weight. I was hellbent on making sure that 4-pound baby gained weight on my watch. So much so that after she gained 2 pounds (50% of her body weight at the time) in one week her pediatrician suggested that I chill out a bit with the round-the-clock feedings.
With Snap, my mental health became my unintended measurement of success as I pretty much thought I was losing my mind. If I could laugh at a youtube video or get caught-up in gossiping on the phone with a friend then I could reassure myself that I might not be going insane. Being alone with a pissed-off crack-baby by night and working 3 jobs by day could knock even the most stable person off balance. And knowing this made the “what-the-hell-do-i-think-i’m-doing?!” tape play even louder in my head.
I suppose what I’m trying to convince myself of here is that my obsession with Jacket’s hair is actually progress for me- but it’s still a misplaced measure of aptitude…
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Just received a voicemail message for “Eaglet’s Mother” that some sort of social services appointment was missed.
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Hi this is Jan calling from New York Eye and Ear. Eaglet missed her appointment today. If you call back we can schedule it for ANY time that is convenient for you. I’m even going to give you my cell phone number, it’s XXXXXXX. We Really look forward to seeing Eaglet.
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Eaglet was a block away
Jacket has the same pediatrician as Eaglet. The pediatrician said that Eaglet’s great-aunt brought her to the following appointment right after she got custody. I have to admit, I considered going to the clinic on the day of her appointment with the hopes of seeing her, but I restrained myself.
It’s so strange that the pediatrician and nurses saw Eaglet more recently than me….
Another Eaglet Update
The agency told me that Eaglet’s Mom has stopped showing up for visits. I think Eaglet and her siblings will be up for adoption soon. It still drives me crazy. I wonder if I should request that I not receive a kid with siblings next time seeing as there would be no hope in adoption even if they became legally “freed”?
just received voicemail from pediatrician for Eaglet’s siblings
Even though I never had Eaglet’s siblings, I receive calls regarding their appointments all the time. Like today. Their appointment Jan 5 has been changed to 9am.
Ok, got it.
I called my agency to remind them that I’m awesome…
…and to ask if there were any run-away foster care teens that I could drag to my UWS (upper West Side) Thanksgiving rave of social workers and public school teachers. Nope, but I was told to get a bigger apartment so they could give me more kids. I know, I know…
I also gave my I WILL BABYSIT EAGLET AND HER FURNITURE SMASHING SIBLINGS FOR FREE plug and was promised they would pass the word to her current foster parents. Even writing Eaglet’s “current foster parents” makes my heart throb in my hair follicles.
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I can’t bear the idea that Eaglet is in a different foster home
It’s driving me insane. If Eaglet’s going to be back in foster care, I WANT HER.
Eaglet for Thanksgiving?
Email:
“Hi Home-finding Case Worker,
I would LOVE LOVE LOVE to babysit for the current foster parent(s) of Eaglet and her brother and sister for FREE. I could take just Eaglet or all three one day this weekend, or the next, or the next. Would you please pass my contact information (cell 646.xxx-xxxx) and tell the newest foster parent(s) how great I am? :) I can pick-up and drop-off. I don’t care how far away they live, I don’t need diapers or bottles, I have everything.
And what about Thanksgiving!? If I could take all of the kids off of the foster parent(s) hands for Thanksgiving that would be a dream come true. I’m pretty sure T [older sister] remembers me….
Thanks! Rebecca”
EAGLET UPDATE!!!!!!
I just called my agency with a new foster parent referral and I got an Eaglet update. She and her two siblings were just placed in ANOTHER (fourth) foster home on Monday. Oh, my heart! Before I got a chance to scream “WHY DIDN’T YOU CALL ME?!?” the home-finding case worker said “we were able to place her with her brother and sister”. To which I replied, “I’m getting a bigger apartment”.
Eaglet’s most recent placement disruption (as we say in the field) was because her great-aunt failed to comply with the finger-printing requirement. The room is spinning as I type this. If Great-Aunt didn’t follow through with finger-printing, the likelihood that she kept Eaglet’s medical appointments can objectively be questioned…
I may be emailing an ACS OSI worker today…
UPDATE: my email:
“I hope you’re doing well. I have an ACS case here at work with one of our individuals who is a mother and I tell everyone how amazing you were. 10 points for ACS!
I’m writing because I just got word that Eaglet and her siblings were moved because the aunt never complied with the finger-printing requirements. Once she complies my understanding is that the children will be returned. My concern is that if the aunt isn’t capable of following-through on finger printing, what about all of Eaglet’s medical follow-up?
I doubt you’re still on this case, but hopefully someone could check in on the situation. Please don’t share this email with the agency as I fear it might jeopardize future placements.
Many thanks and all the best to you! Rebecca”
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