Fosterhood in NYC

25th May 2012

18 notes

Don’t try to run away from ACS

Can’t sleep so, lessons you should write down.

1. Don’t try to run away from ACS

2. Don’t have a strange man call and lie to ACS for you

3. Don’t scream craziness right next to the strange man on the phone with ACS

4. Use *67 before prank calling ACS

5. Don’t say a child doesn’t live where they actually live. The next conclusion becomes the child is homeless.

6. When threatened with the police knocking down your door, don’t ask if they could call you when they’re on their way over.

7. Don’t neglect to tell the person you’re giving your child to that the government is looking for said child.

8. Don’t call and text 45 times while ACS is interviewing the person you’ve entrusted your child with.

———

If Jacket’s mom would have been honest with me, I would have suggested that I come to the house (and the detective if she’s willing at this point) for the interview to support her. That way everything I said would be out in the open. I had a lot of positive things to say and I was able to explain that Jacket’s mom is NOT abandoning her but that she should be rewarded for having a safety plan of sending Jacket to me whenever she needs it. Yes, she only came with a couple of pull-ups but that’s because I have EVERYTHING for Jacket, her mom knows, and I always insist on her not worrying about clothes and such.

Now I have to pretend like I haven’t talked to ACS and it’s a horrible feeling. I’ve worked soooo hard to build trust with Jacket’s mom all year. I hope I salvage our relationship while enabling ACS to make more informed decisions about Jacket’s needs.

Tagged: jacketpost-reunification

22nd May 2012

14 notes

This is going to bite her in the ass

Jacket’s mom is apparently in a fight with her sister and she has sent the cousins back home.  I started receiving not-so-subtle text messages earlier today “Do you think her kids are dirty?” .  My replies are always written with the expectation to one day hear them read out loud in court:

“I hadn’t noticed.  Are you worried about them?”

The truth is, yes, the cousins are always dirty, but not to the extent that I interpret it as a safety issue.  The 5 year-old and 9 year-old do not use utensils (they eat lasagna with their hands despite my protests) and there’s never a consideration to wipe their mouths or wash their hands afterward.  With no one running after them to get it done they inevitably have a constant layer of food crust on them.  It is what it is.  I assume it’s a result of overwhelmed parents and children who have spent important years bounced around between foster homes.  It’s sort of like they are feral.  I can’t make a judgment on how things are going at this moment in the home.  God knows I took Jacket to daycare a sticky gooey mess on occasion.  I can already hear the ACS hotline worker saying to Jacket’s mom “Well then give them a bath already.  There is no case here to accept.”

Of course, Jacket’s mom is winding tighter and tighter since I’m not engaging in her abuse claim - she’s upped the ante (I’m starting to see how I ended up snorting coke in Macy’s).  Now the story is that her sister and brother-in-law [the cousin’s parents] are always on drugs.  This is brand new.  I’ve interacted with them a few times and I don’t have any reason to suspect they were under the influence.  I responded, in anticipation of her*actual* drug addicted sisters returning in place of the little cousins, “It sounds like a good idea to keep Jacket away from people who are struggling with drugs.  Jacket is our #1 concern.”  It sounds a little condescending but in her state of mind, I don’t think the reminder can hurt.

Tagged: jacketjacket's cousinsACS

15th May 2012

5 notes

and baby makes ______?_______

Jacket’s mom just asked me to take the cousins’ 1 year-old brother in addition to the girls Friday night.  I guess if she only has the little boy while I have all of the girls it becomes clearer to her that she’s straight up babysitting rather than simply having the cousins “coming over to play”.

I said no of course.  Or, rather I texted “I need more practice before I can take him on as well.  You can bring him to dinner Saturday night though if you want”.  Jacket’s mom is already jealous of the time I’ve been spending with the cousins so she has been asking to come over for dinner every night this week.  I scheduled her for Saturday night- that way she can pick up the kids and save me the 3 hours by subway (or $45 by car).

It’s so feast or famine.  For all I know, she may cancel the plans altogether.

Tagged: jacketjacket's cousinspost-reunification

14th May 2012

6 notes

btw

thanks for all of the “Halloween text” response ideas.  I was actually hoping for something more along the lines of

“You chose to parent so use your own damn money to get your kid’s costume- Jacket’s screwed if you can’t even get that figured out in 8 months.”

But of course you all are much more kind-hearted than I am.  I used a combo of your responses saying that I was willing to help but let’s talk about it again in October.

Tagged: jacketpost-reunification

11th May 2012

9 notes

It looks like a scene from Little House on the Prairie in my bed. 

Tagged: jacketjacket's cousinspost-reunification

10th May 2012

15 notes

I just realized that I’m going to have the 5 year-old cousin who is not potty trained- at. all.  So uncomfortable. 

I think I’m going to offer her some cute, new underwear and then put her on the toilet every 30 minutes.

Tagged: jacketjacket's cousins

5th May 2012

5 notes

Struktur ist gut

Structure/Schedule for tomorrow:

1. Read a book or two

2.  Cook breakfast with the “punk knife” (bacon wrapped dates, veg quiche, fresh oranges)

3.  Make storyboard collages out of National Geographic magazines

4.  More reading books

5. Board games (Candyland & Don’t let the Pigeon Drive the Bus)

6. Gardening/planting seeds (on the roof if the weather is nice)

7.  Play with Alphabet Magnets

8.  Feed Henry

9.  More books (I promise Jacket can’t get enough)

10.  Cook dinner (lasagna, spinach salad)

Tagged: jacketpost-reunification

29th April 2012

19 notes

blah, blerp, blug ugh, whatever

Jacket’s mom bailed on her agreement that I would be taking Jacket to the zoo with Carrie, Andrew and Blitzen.  Yesterday morning I texted “getting on the subway now” (to pick Jacket up) and she responded “we’re not home”.  WTF?  Fortunately, I wasn’t actually getting into the subway, and intuition told me to start the communication while I was still comfortable on the couch.

Many more ridiculous text messages followed and I refused to be dragged minute by minute through the day of we’re-on-our-way-home-just-waiting-for-the-bus.  Knowing how incredibly punctual (or rather, crazy early) Jacket’s mom can be, I drew a boundary I wasn’t planning on by saying that I would have to go on to the zoo without Jacket.

Part of the new situation was that Jacket’s mom wanted me to ask Jacket in person if she wanted to go, and if she didn’t then she didn’t have to.  There are butt-loads of things about this scenario that are a bad idea.  I’m not going to compete with Jacket’s elementary school-aged cousins, or bargain with a 4 year old, or fuck-up Jacket’s head by even giving her that kind of power.

So, I turned my phone off for the rest of the day and put it all out of my mind.  This morning I received a long list of text messages from Jacket’s mom apologizing and asking how she can make it up to me.  I don’t plan to respond today.

I just think we need some space.  I’ve expended too much energy and time on this back and forth crap and none of it has included seeing and investing in Jacket.  There’s more to the story, as always it seems.  It’s about Jacket’s dad, but I can’t even be bothered to blog about it right now.  I’m pretty much over-taken with an adolescent “What.ever. attitude”.

Tagged: jacketjacket's cousinspost-reunification

25th April 2012

9 notes

Jacket’s aunt had her baby and picked up all of the cousins.  We postponed dinner until tomorrow night and it’ll be a managable night of just Jacket, her mom and grandma. 

Wow has my perspective changed now that I’m thinking it’ll be a chill night with just the 4 of us.  Let’s

pause

 for

      a

          moment

                  and

                      take

                           that

                                in.

Don’t judge it, just acknowledge it and let it pass back in and through (as my inner yogi tells me).

Also, I haven’t wanted to jinx it, but so far Jacket’s mom continues to agree to let me take Jacket to the zoo with Blitzen, Carrie and Andrew on Saturday.  Really looking forward to that.  Even if Jacket’s mom bails, I still look forward to meeting Blitzen!

Tagged: jacketpost-reunificationjacket's cousins

20th April 2012

8 notes

museum membership, now do I conduct a staff in-service?

I decided to get the year-long family pass for Jacket et al.  It comes with a card for me and a card for Jacket’s mom-both admits 2 adults plus [any] 4 children. 

On Sunday Jacket, her mom, grandma and 3 little girl cousins are coming over for lunch and then I’m going to take them all to the museum.  In addition to a little Earth Day celebration in the forecasted rain, it’s an opportunity for me to help Jacket’s mom figure out the location and transportation to the museum, get comfortable in the museum (like she is now at the college), and get them out of my apartment.  This last one is important because Jacket’s mom will stay with the kids until 8 or 9pm which is much longer than my preference.

From now on we can always end Sunday visits at the museum- ‘for free’.

Here’s the extra cool part- a speech therapist at work has a friend who is staff at the museum.  I’ve passed word out to “work with” Jacket’s mom and to try not to kick her out or revoke her membership for crazy behavior.  We’ll see how it goes!

Tagged: jacketjacket's cousinspost-reunification

18th April 2012

9 notes

A security guard!

Jacket’s mom would make a GREAT security guard!  She doesn’t have to be friendly, she’s hypervigilent for bad people, she’s great at barking out demands… maybe no reading and writing involved…

Hmm.  I’d love for her to work near my house just on the weekends so she could drop Jacket off.  A win-win or manipulative on my end?  Thinking, thinking.

UPDATE: at a homeless shelter.  P.E.R.F.E.C.T. On second thought, she’s too prone to getting mixed up with more problematic people.

UPDATE UPDATE: I sent her a text asking if a security job would interest her and replied that she’s done that before (guessing it didn’t go well).   I asked her what her favorite job was in the past and she replied “the one I have now”.  Eventually, I got to the answer- she wants an office job.  That’s going to be a big challenge.  I told her I’d print some ads off craigslist for her and give them to her on Sunday.  That’s not a big deal for me.

Tagged: jacketpost-reunification

17th April 2012

5 notes

Sunday

Update: The museum pass I’m looking at comes with 2 cards.  One for Jacket’s mom and one for me.  Does that make a difference?  If she doesn’t use it, I still will (same price as me taking Jacket to the museum myself twice).

———

Jacket is inseperable from her cousins these days.  I’m learing to adapt.  I’m realizing that since Jacket’s cousins are [practically] living at her house, they put pressure on her when she leaves to be with me.  It’s been over a month since I’ve had Jacket alone and while her mom has agreed for me to take just her a week from Saturday, Jacket’s mom has already told me that one of the older cousins wants to go as well.

Sunday they are all coming over.  And by all, I mean the now usual crew of grandma, Jacket’s mom, Jacket and 3 cousins.  That’s just how they roll.  Grandma had 12 or 13 kids so they are used to moving in large numbers I suppose. 

I want to take them to one of the free Earth activities in the city but there are so many uncontrollable variables when we get out of my house- I’m not sure.  There are so many things I want the girl to see and experience.  They live in a city with so many amazing experiences available but they almost never leave their neighborhood. 

I was thinking of splurging on an annual museum family membership for them whereby Jacket’s mom can learn the public transportation route and then get comfortable to return.  Since museums are always hosting events, maybe this is a more practical way to get them integrated into the wider community than sending them different places all the time?

Tagged: jacketjacket's cousins

16th April 2012

7 notes

Children’s sex abuse prevention book recommendations?

A while back you all gave me an excellent list of safety lessons for Jacket.  Several of you suggested that I talk to her about sexual abuse prevention (in age appropriate language).  I’ve been trying to figure out how to do it without her repeating something back to her mom that might be misinterpreted.

Jacket, her cousins, her mom and probably grandma are coming over again on Sunday (if Jacket had to choose between seeing me or playing with her cousins I’m going to lose so I’m inviting them all).  We’ve been having informal story times, so I’m thinking this might be a good opportunity to insert some of the safety lessons.  I’m only comfortable doing it with a children’s book that is read out loud with Jacket’s mom.

Book ideas?  I’d like to start reserving them in the Brooklyn Library System in the next few days… Thank you ahead of time!

Tagged: jacketjacket's cousins