Fosterhood in NYC

1st February 2012

16 notes

missed a surprise visit

My roommate said that Snap’s foster mom came by with Snap when I was out.  I checked my phone and there was a voicemail saying that she was outside my apartment and that Snap missed me (not quite sure about that one).  Super weird.

I’m going to have to wait until a decent hour to call her tomorrow.

Tagged: snap

25th January 2012

6 notes

Officers may ask “in a respectful manner”

I just found out from the NYSCCC newsletter that New York Family Courts are open to the public.  I’m not sure knowing this would have made me feel any better on this day, but it’s good to know.

Tagged: snapSnap's Mom

8th January 2012

17 notes

playing favorites

I was supposed to have Snap and his foster brother for the weekend but I failed to dig up and fax over my foster parent certification. 

If I would have stuck by my original 1 foster kid for life rule I would be pouring so much more time and energy into him but now I’m much more invested in Jacket than Snap.  I have mixed feelings about it.

Tagged: snapjacketpost-reunification

14th December 2011

12 notes

Fungibility

The night of the godparent ceremony I didn’t even get to sip my first drink before Jacket’s mom started calling me about Christmas gifts.  The calls have been completely insane with lists of present demands.  Jacket’s mom asked “What are you doing Christmas Eve?… because if you’re cooking, we’ll come over”.

For some reason, this request gave me flashbacks of the meltdown I had in my first days as a foster parent with Snap.  I mentioned before how freaked out I was (I wasn’t blogging at the time), but I don’t think I shared that my therapist made a home visit.  A HOME visit.  I didn’t even know those existed but she offered and all 9 months pregnant of herself made the 3 floor walk-up to my apartment.  It helped that she was/is a social worker (home visits aren’t foreign) and that she also specializes in peri-natal mood disorders (something I didn’t know when I first found her).

When I was freaking out I was still functioning.  Changing diapers, feeding Snap, eating, breathing.  I wasn’t suicidal or anything like that, I was just in constant panic.  I had this image of being attached to Snap’s mom forever.  Like I had married her and we were left on a deserted island.  I was practically convinced that for the next 50 years I was destined to be with this girl who acted like a crazy crackhead 24/7.  I couldn’t stop picturing us alone around a Christmas tree.

So, yeah.  Ixnay on Christmas Eve-ay.  I’d rather be alone alone (which I never actually am) than with Jacket’s family alone.  I told Jacket’s mom that I might be out of town for the holidays and that I’d let her know.  I figured I’d see Jacket and her mom several times between then and Christmas anyway.  After a few more days of Jacket’s mom prompting Jacket on the phone with her Christmas list AND her calling Elia (a number I didn’t even know she had) demanding Barbie dolls, we settled on December 23^rd for dinner- just Jacket, her mom and grandma.

Now Jacket’s mom is saying that they are going out of town from Christmas to New Years (something I doubt she even has the capacity to do on her own not to mention- where?) and that she has appointments every single day until Christmas making Jacket too busy to see me (improbable).  Fair enough.  I’ve seen Jacket tons.  I had hoped to spend time with her between Thanksgiving and Christmas but I also know to keep expectations low.  However, I’m starting to get pretty annoyed that Jacket’s mom is being so demanding about gifts and plans to pick them up and run.  I don’t think it’s good for Jacket either.  So I’ve been asking everyone for advice (except for the internet this round- no offense, it’s too sensitive of an issue this round). 

I don’t want Jacket to become a commodity.  But I’ve done Thanksgiving, the Christening and if I also hook them up for Christmas, all without any quality time with Jacket, I’m going to become bitter.  I want to give Jacket her gifts when we have a few hours to play with them.  I have nice gifts for Jacket’s mom and grandma and I’ve never made any promises to Jacket’s mom, only that “I already did my Christmas shopping this summer” in order to bat away her demands (which include videos games for Jacket which are clearly for her boyfriend/brother in jail).  So,

I sent this text (sometimes we text and grandma will read it for her): “My roommate’s parents will be here on the 23^rd.  So sorry!!  Will cook soon.  Next time Jacket spends the weekend let her know that we’ll have Christmas!”

Now I just have to sit with the anxiety.  I know she’ll eventually be back in contact, but it may be a few weeks.

Tagged: jacketpost-reunificationsnap

30th September 2011

40 notes

16 city blocks

Turns out, that’s how close Snap’s been living to me all this time.

His foster mom called and invited me to come visit.  She practically squealed with delight when she learned how close by I am.  Snap won’t have any recollection of me, but I’m excited to drop by and see him anyway.  I was thinking of taking him a book and bringing some flowers for his foster family.

Tagged: snapSnap's Mom

30th August 2011

18 notes

I’ve had to watch a lot of puppy videos on youtube…

…today to ward off a funk.  The rejection I felt from Snap’s law guardian is pretty intense.  She has me rethinking everything about my fosterhood intentions.  I’m so confused.

Tagged: snaplifebook

30th August 2011

68 notes

I really don’t cry much. I’ve gone years without crying. But here I am again sitting outside of Snap’s permanency hearing on a curb crying. The hearing started with the law guardian asking the judge to not allow me in the court room. “She keeps showing up, She’s the former foster parent. I don’t know what she’s doing here.”  I responded “I’m only here to make sure you, the attorney for Snap, get his lifebook” and the judge stated that I was welcome because she has an open court.

I was blown away.

I feel completely humiliated. I really need a tissue.

I held it together until the hearing was over. While leaving I teared-up and was trying to get out of the building as quickly as possible. The law guardian approached me and I offered her the book saying that I wouldn’t attend anymore if she doesn’t want me to. I defensively added “I’m an adoptee and I would want my baby pictures if I didn’t have them.” The desired effect worked because it was clear that she immediately felt like shit. The law guardian took the Lifebook, said it was beautiful and promised that Snap would get it. I’m still bawling my eyes out though and I don’t know why.

Update:  Here’s a link to my last court experience for Snap in case you missed it. 

Tagged: snapSnap's Momsnap in rehab

31st July 2011

20 notes

Working on Part II of Snap’s Lifebook

Here’s a review in case you’re a new reader. 

Snap was my first foster child.  He was “paroled” to a mommy-and-me rehab after  1-month.  Per Snap’s mom’s invitation, I continued to visit and support them.  I attended doctor’s appointments (Snap’s Mom was very nervous about these), went to “Family Days” at rehab and took Snap home on some weekends (which was common practice at this rehab).  Every month it seemed Snap had a new ACS worker and they were not happy with my involvement.  In fact, at times I was banned.  I got angry.  I wrote the obligatory pompous and pissy email.  I cried, but things got a little bit better. and I was granted permission to take Snap home on the weekends.

So, Snap’s first Lifebook is the time span of 0-3 months of his life.  Now I’m adding Part II which includes his 3rd month-1 year old.  At a year old, Snap was removed from his mom again and put with a different foster agency.  I’m including in his life book the email that a case worker my agency wrote to his ACS worker requesting that I be considered as Snap’s foster parent again (we got no response).  I’m hoping the email will show that someone cared enough about him to try and provide him a consistent home.

Court is in a month and this time when the judge asks me if I have anything to say I plan to “request that it go on record that Snap has a lifebook spanning the first year of his life.  The Lifebook is full of photos, family and medical history and details of his christening.  I will give the lifebook to his law guardian but I will always keep a backup copy for years to come” (His mom already lost her copy).

Tagged: snapsnapsnap in rehabpost-reunification

26th June 2011

26 notes

Link to my Australian Radio National Interview

At one point in the show Richard said “Coming up, the woman who fostered New York style”… so much could be read into that :).

  Here’s the full interview

Tagged: snapeagletjacket