**New to my blog? You may want to start here**
-About me (if you must)
-Timeline
-Frequently Asked Questions
-A Typical Day
-The Sleep Report
-You're Evil If You Don't Co-Sleep
-"But Don't You Get Attached?"
-The Major Players
-How can Snap's Mom take him to rehab?
-Letter to Snap's Law Guardian
-Typical Snap Rehab Visit
-Visits SUCK
-Letter to Eaglet
-"White Babies"
-What's an ok motivation to foster?
Links
Become a Foster Care Parent in NYC
Fosterhood Forum (connect with others)
Other Fosterhoods
NYS Citizens’ Coalition for Children
New York Times series on Foster Care
Become a Court Appointed Advocate
National Foster Care Coalition
Evan B. Donaldson Adoption Institute (Best Research Site)
CFSR (the answer to all your questions)
"Crack Babies"- article by NYTimes
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68 notes
I really don’t cry much. I’ve gone years without crying. But here I am again sitting outside of Snap’s permanency hearing on a curb crying. The hearing started with the law guardian asking the judge to not allow me in the court room. “She keeps showing up, She’s the former foster parent. I don’t know what she’s doing here.” I responded “I’m only here to make sure you, the attorney for Snap, get his lifebook” and the judge stated that I was welcome because she has an open court.
I was blown away.
I feel completely humiliated. I really need a tissue.
I held it together until the hearing was over. While leaving I teared-up and was trying to get out of the building as quickly as possible. The law guardian approached me and I offered her the book saying that I wouldn’t attend anymore if she doesn’t want me to. I defensively added “I’m an adoptee and I would want my baby pictures if I didn’t have them.” The desired effect worked because it was clear that she immediately felt like shit. The law guardian took the Lifebook, said it was beautiful and promised that Snap would get it. I’m still bawling my eyes out though and I don’t know why.
Update: Here’s a link to my last court experience for Snap in case you missed it.
17 notes
Snap’s updated Lifebook came in. I think I mentioned that I added post-reunification photos spanning a year. Halloween, his Christening, BBQs at rehab and additional information about his birth father. I’m going to ask tomorrow at Snap’s permanency hearing that it go on record that the Lifebook exists. I’ll give it to his law guardian.
(He’s not identifiable by this photo…)
20 notes
Working on Part II of Snap’s Lifebook
Here’s a review in case you’re a new reader.
Snap was my first foster child. He was “paroled” to a mommy-and-me rehab after 1-month. Per Snap’s mom’s invitation, I continued to visit and support them. I attended doctor’s appointments (Snap’s Mom was very nervous about these), went to “Family Days” at rehab and took Snap home on some weekends (which was common practice at this rehab). Every month it seemed Snap had a new ACS worker and they were not happy with my involvement. In fact, at times I was banned. I got angry. I wrote the obligatory pompous and pissy email. I cried, but things got a little bit better. and I was granted permission to take Snap home on the weekends.
So, Snap’s first Lifebook is the time span of 0-3 months of his life. Now I’m adding Part II which includes his 3rd month-1 year old. At a year old, Snap was removed from his mom again and put with a different foster agency. I’m including in his life book the email that a case worker my agency wrote to his ACS worker requesting that I be considered as Snap’s foster parent again (we got no response). I’m hoping the email will show that someone cared enough about him to try and provide him a consistent home.
Court is in a month and this time when the judge asks me if I have anything to say I plan to “request that it go on record that Snap has a lifebook spanning the first year of his life. The Lifebook is full of photos, family and medical history and details of his christening. I will give the lifebook to his law guardian but I will always keep a backup copy for years to come” (His mom already lost her copy).
4 notes
I had told Snap’s Mom that I would meet her at court today but I didn’t make it. I woke-up with the worse migraine and the idea of traveling almost three hours today seemed like too much. Jacket also has several court days coming up and I’m exhausted just thinking about it.
I had no way of calling Snap’s Mom because she is in the new mommy-and-me rehab. I feel awful about it.
11 notes
SNap’s Mom
A lot has been going on. I found a two-dad family online (through a legit agency) and asked them if they would consider a 2 year-old. Turns out, one of the dads works for the same agency as I do. Such a small world. In the end they decided that Snap wasn’t the best match for them. At the same time, Snap’s Mom’s in-patient social worker stood in front of me during one of my visits and told Snap’s Mom that if she doesn’t go to a mommy-and-me rehab they were going to send her to the state hospital for a very long time.
Once again, adoption wasn’t an option even though Snap’s Mom is practically begging for it at this point. She’s back in a program where she dare not speak of surrendering as their funding (and her housing) is dependent upon keeping families together.
24 notes
Snap’s going back to rehab
I made my third trip to the psychiatric unit to visit Snap’s Mom. She was covered in a crusty rash that she said was due to the soap they gave her. The foster agency has brought Snap to visit her twice, one time for his second birthday. Snap’s Mom said that they cut all of his curls off and he has an adorable crew cut. It’s been almost a year since I’ve seen him and it’s hard to imagine what he looks like.
She was accepted into another mommy-and-me rehab program and she’ll go next week without Snap, then there will be court and it will be decided if she can bring Snap into the program. I offered to go to her court hearing as a community support.
She didn’t even pretend to like the curry that I cooked and brought for her. She did like Snap’s Lifebook. It was the first time I showed it to her. She lost everything between the family shelter and the hospital and I wanted her to at least have photos of Snap.
A while back “topsecretusername” raised what I consider to be the ultimate question- what kind of relationship do I want with Snap’s Mom, without Snap? For example, what if she loses Snap and he is adopted by someone else? I’ve given this a ton of thought and I’ve decided that should she have me, I’d like to stay in Snap’s Mom’s life as a community support.
Committing to Snap’s Mom seems like the more valuable way to invest my time in a socially conscious way. So far, years spent volunteering in orphanages abroad, working in soup kitchens, taking the disabled on outings have all felt a bit superficial. Getting involved with Snap’s Mom seems more authentic in it’s messiness and unpredictability. I could just be another well-intentioned but misguided do-gooder though.
35 notes
Snap’s Mom couldn’t tell me how or why she ended up at the hospital. She was almost unrecognizable. Her usual jittery self was replaced with sloth-like movements and her manic voice was barely audible.
As soon as I arrived, a hospital counselor requested to meet with me. I asked Snap’s Mom’s permission and then followed the counselor to the hallway. There, the counselor told me that Snap’s Mom has been admitted to the unit dozens and dozens of times, but she won’t give them any information about herself. They didn’t know her age, where’s she’s from, if she has family, a history of mental illness, etc. They assume that she’s a homeless sex worker.
When I met with Snap’s Mom she asked me to call Snap’s foster agency and then go and pick him up. I explained that she has to tell her lawyer, the foster agency and likely the ACS worker herself what she wants because they have to hear it from her directly. I wasn’t sure that she even knew where Snap was so i brought her a list of everyone’s phone numbers.
In true Snap’-Mom-style, she convinced me to go hunting for a candy machine because she NEEDED chocolate. She tried to give me a $5 bill but I insisted on $1’s that the machines would take. Thirty minutes later I returned with some Snickers Bars.
As our conversation progressed she said that she really wanted to see Snap and that she hadn’t been able to set-up visits for several months. I told her to call the foster agency but she seemed hesitant so I asked her if she wanted us to call together. We did. As soon as her case worker answered she obnoxiously handed the phone to me. The case worker seemed really cool and I got an earful of his struggles in getting Snap’s Mom to arrive sober to the visits with her son.
When Snap’s Mom got on the phone with her case worker, I saw a new side to her. She started a full ghetto-shouting routine. “You have to bring me my son!”, “It’s not fair, stop screwing with me!!” “I don’t care, I’m going to come punch you!” Knowing that a death glare wasn’t going to do it I started whispering “Yelling is going to make things soo much worse”. When she got off the phone I really gave it to her. I didn’t know I had it in me.
My tirade went something like “Your goal isn’t to make things fair, your goal is to see your son. Yelling isn’t going to make him want to help you. You know how to put on the charm. You’re incredibly persuasive- look at me. I’m here, after not talking to you for eight months, running around a damn hospital looking for fucking candy bars for you. How did that happen? Because you’re really really good. You have to turn THAT “please help me” side of you on immediately and stop acting ghetto. You’re not ghetto. Call back your case worker right now and apologize. Don’t tell him how to do his job, ask him what you need to do in order to see your son.”
And she did.
We ended with her talking about going back into a Mommy-and-Me rehab with Snap. I was encouraging and I reminded her that she was sober for 16 full months in the last program.
Overall, I feel a great weight off my shoulders. I didn’t want to publish the words “I don’t want to adopt Snap” before but that’s how I feel right now. I felt like the guy who had gotten his One-Night Stand pregnant. “It’s your decision” I said again and again. I explored with her what she needed to do to get Snap back but at the end of the conversation I really couldn’t determine what it is that she really wanted.
Hopefully I can support Snap’s Mom enough, and play the role of Personal Case Manager, so that she can get Snap back. After talking to the case worker another option might be that the family who currently has Snap might want to adopt him. The case worker said that Snap is pretty attached to his current foster family (I think he’s been there 5 months?) and I would concur that not disrupting that connection would be in his best interest. In reality, Snap -at almost 2 years old now- wouldn’t recognize me. But the case worker doesn’t know if they want to adopt…
For now, there’s a bit of a plan.
I’m not sure how clear this explanation is so feel free to ask questions and I’ll make sure to answer.
39 notes
I promise an update in the morning
After a day at work, visiting Snap’s Mom in the hospital, chasing Jacket through the snow to and from daycare, six phone calls from Jacket’s Mom demanding the snow globe, four phone calls from Snap’s Mom asking when I’m going to visit again (and for an address to have her Medicaid card mailed to), and a lengthy status-of-our-relationship-if-there-will-be-two-kids conversation with my boyfriend and well,
all I want to do is read about Oprah’s secret sister and the “in” dress colors for the Oscars.
25 notes
drama, drama, and more drama
Rumor has it, Jacket’s Mom’s attorney is trying to get my foster license revoked. Apparently, I’m “too involved in the case”. My response was 1. Is it even possible for a foster parent to be ‘too’ involved? and 2. I’m only as involved as the professionals at hand allow me to be.
Jacket’s Mom’s attorney has gone so far as to dig around at ACS and conclude that I was also “too involved” with my previous foster children. I can only guess that she caught wind of the letter I wrote (which used to be on the blog but I removed almost a year ago) to someone I looked up at ACS (who seemed important and relevant) in which I lamented the inconsistent messages and challenges I was facing in continuing as a community support after reunification, (as taught in MAPP training—provided the mother wants it….the letter resulted in a productive meeting and ACS granting Snap’s mom the ability to send him to my house on weekends so she could get equal respite as the other girls in rehab received).
My take on this has always been that there’s no harm in me sharing my concerns, requests, and ideas with whomever I’d like. I use email because I view it as the least intrusive format (although I’m seeing a big generation gap in views on this)- one is not put on the spot for an immediate response and a person is under no obligation to even read it. I’ve always been polite, acknowledge that I’m not an objective party, kept the emotive language in check, and I make it clear that I will dutifully abide by whatever decisions are made.
My foster agency case worker told me not to worry about it as no one will entertain Mom’s attorney’s pursuits, but it still feels pretty crummy. I went so far as to once again let EVERYONE know that if the parties involved (case workers/lawyers) think that I’m acting in a way that is detrimental to Jacket’s family, I will not fight her transfer to another placement (term used for foster families). I only ask that the transition be done properly.
I was assured that no one wants to move Jacket. The law guardian social worker even asked me if I’d take a 16 year-old that she has sitting in the central holding place (what’s it called again?) with no where to go (I declined). So at least she doesn’t think I’m a terrible foster parent.
Adding to the circus, Jacket’s Mom asked me out of the blue tonight if I’d be Jacket’s godmother (just one month after her demanding that she be moved to another foster home).
11 notes
1. Haven’t heard back from Snap’s Mom
2. The homefinding unit of my foster agency has diligently been trying to find out what other foster agency has Snap- to no avail
3. Despite this past bullshit, I reached out to Snap’s Mom’s attorney (after confirming in ecourts that he’s still on the case) and left a voicemail message that I hope will be interpreted as sincere. I said straight-up that I wasn’t interested in taking [Snap’s] Mom’s baby but instead I’m committed to being a genuine community support to the both of them. Not exactly sure what that’ll do- but seeing as I don’t have a way of contacting Snap’s Mom, it felt like the next best thing.
13 notes
Dear ACS person who has read my blog every single day (except for those 2 weeks in august when you were prob on vacation),
Could you make sure Snap gets back to my foster agency? Homefinding is ready for him. He’s likely coming in with a different last name. Who knows from what borough…possibly staten island.
Many thanks.
32 notes
HOLY SHIT YOU GUYS
It’s 1:38am and I didn’t answer a blocked call. It was Snap’s Mom.
Voicemail message: “Hey Rebecca, It’s me Snap’s Mom. I’m calling you, I wanted to talk to you about keeping Snap because he’s in ACS. I’ll call you back, bye.”
———————————-
Update: 5 minutes later
1. I think I’m going to throw-up
2. Jacket is going to FREAK
3. Brian
4. Do I need TWO car seats to go apple picking on Saturday???
5. I wonder if Snap’s Mom went to my old apartment and I wasn’t there?
6. I DO NOT WANT TWO KIDS.
7. I repeat, I DO NOT WANT TWO KIDS.
8. Why didn’t I stop at my commitment to Snap?
9. Brian!? What guy is going to stay with me with TWO KIDS?
5 notes
My cell phone just came up “SNAP’S MOM” and I leapt across the room. Unfortunately, it turns out to be Jesus’ old cell phone number which belongs to someone else now- so they had the wrong number. Sigh.
3 notes
THINKING ABOUT SNAP’S MOM
Snap’s Mom has my current Manhattan address and I’m wondering how to get my upcoming Brooklyn address to her. Knowing that ‘relapse is part of recovery’, it was always our plan that she could drop-off Snap if things weren’t going well.
Then this happened and my thoughts on the matter remain the same. I’m 85% sure Snap’s Mom is still in rehab. Should I send a package to rehab, maybe requiring signature confirmation, and a simple note with my new address? The thing is, it will drive me CRAZY not knowing if she gets it or not.
I looked up her next court date, it’s the first week of September….
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